This Life, This Existence
There are already people who consider me so self involved and self interested that I speak about my body functions so as to keep others updated and to express myself about the smallest minutia in order to capitalize upon anyone's attention, towards my being. I am not however that way. Not to go deeply into the arguments, I have a body situation where my guts don't work, so they occupy a great deal of my attention. I speak about them not to point others towards me, but to speak. I don't assume anyone cares, or frankly, should care. And regarding minutia, I spent a childhood with a father who ignored me, and who thought I yabbered on and on, about things that never mattered. Therefore, to me, I have no desire to monopolize your attention, I am simply speaking. I assume anyone is able to stop reading, I certainly am able when I find a blog or article that offends me or worse, bores me.
The purpose of this blog is to write about my life, however much that seems self interested or not. I have been told that I have a story of a warrior's journey, of a ignoble birth, catastrophes, suffering, and in the end, a victory. I say I've been told this because I have no great perception of having celebrated a victory in the end. And I do, actually, feel like I've reached the end. I used to have many friends in life, many people who wanted to work with me. My work felt like it was worthwhile. But in 2012 when my mom died something happened to me.
I lost my will to thrive. That is, not to not survive, but life did not matter as much without my mother in my life to see it. If you call me a mother's boy, ok. If you think I was a big baby, or feminine you'd be wrong. I am, however, very sensitive. On the MBTI of the Myers Briggs test I am an INFJ, which is not only the most rare type, it is also the most emotionally sensitive type. In other words, I was sensitive, and life's experiences made me even more sensitive and gave me more reasons to be in pain.
This is a first entry to this blog. There will be more. I don't have a set number of entries, nor a distinct purpose. I do want to lay my life before you, but not so that you'll love me more, or want to be close to me, rather, to see who I am, as the poet I think I am and trying to be.
I live in the United States, in a place called Minnesota. It is cold still in winter here, despite Global Warming, and it is a beautiful state. I doubt I'll ever move from it. My wife is the big bread winner in our family, I've worked over 30 jobs in my time with her, but only rarely have I made anything like money, and usually only enough to cover the gas and never enough to pay for the crap I would take for being such a moron in the real world. I have three brain disorders. I have a hip disorder where the muscles or socket, I don't know, are not tight enough and my hips can, rarely but, not rare enough, go briefly out of socket, causing enormous pain. I have had cancer. My blood sugar is high but I don't seem to have diabetes. My body throughout has horrible arthritis, particularly in my wrists, elbows, neck and back. My lower back is messed up badly with a herniated disc, and I was told I should consider some proactive choices to make certain things don't all go bad. So I'll maybe some day buy a book, sit in a chair, eat a couple donuts, and drink a beverage and decide no. Then I'll tell the doctor I considered it.
I have a lovely wife, she is a redhead with Scots Irish lineage, and she is very very bright. My son looks enough like me that some people called him mini-Alex after the hilarious character in the only relatively funny trilogy of movies of Austin Powers. I have cats, one who is beautiful and she knows it, Sophie, and the other who adores me, and is wildly loving and innocent, Katya. I've always had cats, never dogs, never fish, never birds.
I have a Master's degree in History with a minor field of Political science. I studied a broad area of history, actually, not focused in depth as many, and the field in particular is called world history. I taught for a short while with it, but I am not a typical teacher, nor lecturer. I haven't the patience. But through my poems I do hope to teach. Perhaps not in a straight forward way, I try to express some truths that I've learned. If nothing else I believe that my work does offer answers to questions regarding existence and eternity.