Friday, October 23, 2015

That truth that is burning inside

“What have we given?
My friend, blood shaking my heart
The awful daring of a moment's surrender
Which an age of prudence can never retract
By this, and this only, we have existed.”
― T.S. Eliot, The Waste Land

There is a conflict inside with people.  Acquire, consume, find, destroy?  Help, harvest and share, live with less, help with hope?  We are only gifted the one life, unless you are Lazarus.*  So how do you live it?  Do you harvest and help? Or acquire and consume?  Do you assume that life is for partying, or for helping others?

I was a memory before I became a ghost before I became free.  You have to remember, every person trapped in the material world, by their flesh cage is holding on to their winnings in a meaningless lottery.  They don't get to keep it.  Ever.

 So, when I die people will remember me.

Then my words about the world will haunt them.

And then, they'll see that I was right, and that I am free.

* (After he had said this, he went on to tell them, "Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up." John 11:11)

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

I am my own Demon

"Yet it would be your duty to bear it, if you could not avoid it: it is weak and silly to say you cannot bear what it is your fate to be required to bear."  Charlotte BrontĂ«

Every demon has a task.  Every demon has a purpose. Mine is to destroy every hope I have.  When I was born I was a bastard.  A child of rape.  I was never claimed by the biological father, since he was at best a sperm donor, and at worst a felon.  I was given life by the fact that my mother did not seek an illegal abortion.  Illegal, yes, since I was born in 1963 abortion was illegal.  However, should I have been a fetus in 1973 I'd have been vacuumed out.  Or given a saline bath.  I'd have never been alive.

"Accept the things to which fate binds you and love the people with whom fate brings you together, and do so with all your heart."  Marcus Aurelius

Since then, my life has taken a legendary tone.  I am a survivor of disaster.  I am also aware that the world does not view me as a valuable human, as a person who survived abortion, as a person without a father who gave him a name.

"No destiny attacks us from outside. But, within him, man bears his fate and there comes a moment when he knows himself vulnerable; and then, as in a vertigo, blunder upon blunder lures him."  Antoine de Saint-ExupĂ©ry

I was attacked in life for being sensitive.  I have been insulted, abused and bullied.  But now, at 52, I have seen and done things that I never would have imagined.  I have met, spoke with, and slew dragons.  I've seen beauty that cannot be described.  And I've been made whole by love.

"I shall seize fate by the throat." Ludwig van Beethoven

As a child I was adopted, and my parents were people who were good people.  They gave me a life that I would never have had if aborted, if kept by my rapist father or birth mother.  My parents were not exactly the sort who knew what to do with me.  And were not the sort who were good for my sort of personality.  But it wasn't as if it were their fault.  They tried their best.

“Don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.”  RUMI


As you walk through these magnificent images by Virginia Skeritt from the public domain, consider, I am living a life that beyond the ken of normality.  I am a Christian, living a life of honor, no matter who dislikes my code.  I am a warrior, speaking words that have power.  I do not lie, even if some do not like the truth.

“Moonlight floods the whole sky from horizon to horizon;
How much it can fill your room depends on its windows.” Rumi

So wait, aren't I a demon?  Didn't I say that?  Nothing anyone else has said, I haven't already thought, felt, and tortured myself with.  Am I crazy?  Not according to most people who I've told the real story to.  Am I insane?  I am not.  Am I a demon?  No.  I am a warrior, a Christian, a father, a husband, a brother, a poet.  Follow my journey, it has been an legendary.

“You have forgotten the One
who doesn't care about ownership,
who doesn't try to turn a profit
from every human exchange.”  Rumi

I was told by an artist that I was the reason he believed in abortion.  Let us hope he means for the health and safety of all women.  I ask for prayers for that person.  He needs them.

“Whoever's calm and sensible is insane!”  Rumi

"Failure and success seem to have been allotted to men by their stars. But they retain the power of wriggling, of fighting with their star or against it, and in the whole universe the only really interesting movement is this wriggle." E.M. Forester

Tuesday, October 13, 2015


TMI warning.  I am about to discuss my precancer diagnosis symptoms.  They include my health issues.  If you do not like hearing about such, don't tell me TMI, or that I am consumed with my own affairs.  This is blog is about the subject of my journey, so, kindly either cast your gaze elsewhere, or be prepared.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 
-Romans 8:18

When I learned I had cancer it wasn't the sort of cancer everyone who knew what I was going through thought I'd have.  I had near daily, at least 3 out of every 4 days, diarrhea to the amount of 20 or more runs to the restroom.   The most I had was 50 runs in a day.  I had some darker red blood happening too.  I was miserable.  I was not happy in any way.  The health issues were not limited to the bathroom.  I had hip issues.  I had spine micro-fractures.  I had sciatic nerves that were crushed and they never stopped being triggered and firing.  I lost MANY nights of sleep.

So, I was in pain, I couldn't sleep, and I was shitting myself silly.  Repeated trips to the doctor led to many scans, treatments, and nothing helped. After a clear colonoscopy and a clear lower GI, the doctor in question said I would've bet you had colon cancer.  But, she added, lets do a upper GI and a couple other scans to be diligent.  And the scans revealed I had several small peach sized lymph nodes.  I had lymphoma which is cancer of the lymph nodes.

My life was saved by my doctor, absolutely no question in my mind about that.  I received immediate care, and it was the correct course of treatment.  But, my body lost 80 lbs, and I couldn't stop shitting.  It was telling my doctor, something is wrong, and if you don't do something, who knows what I'll do next.  In fact, who knows, maybe this guy's dick will just fall off.

Thank goodness, it is still there.

You rebel you

I am often told that I think too much.  When in my mind people do not think enough.  I am told I feel too much.  When in my mind people d...