Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Nope I am not, but just in case you need it to be more clear

I am not going to kill myself.

"Life is only a long and bitter suicide, and faith alone can transform this suicide into a sacrifice."  Franz Liszt


Need help? United States:
1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week
Languages: English, Spanish

Inevitably people ask if I am alright if I refer to suicide in anything I write.  I get emails and messages from concerned people, and from the occasional asshole telling me how to do it best.  I explain that I am using the term figuratively.  But I have struggled with the suicidal thoughts and am depressed often.  But I am not about to kill myself.

I realize some people cannot even begin to imagine suicide.  To them it is a sin or would rob them of so many things.  To others it is a last resort, and they haven't come anywhere close to that in their existence.  In my world, I guess I just have never felt as though I belonged here, so suicide might answer that and relieve my pain and remove the world's pain of me.  However, I am aware now, and wasn't then, that I have people who love me, and some who actually need me.  So I am not going to do anything.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Life goes on, sort of

I lost my mother in 2012.  She had had alzheimer's disease.  It was a malicious disease and the watch and wait robbed me of joy for many years prior, and obviously since. 

In 2013 I was diagnosed with cancer, lymphoma.  During the chemo I was afflicted with an intravenous staph infection that nearly killed me, and phlebitis.  I was hospitalized and had two surgeries that weren't, altogether, successful.  My wife saved my life during this event.  The staph came very close to killing me, and she believed I was more sick than just chemo aftermath sick.

In 2014 I beat cancer.  It was odd though, my flesh was exhausted, and my outlook, which had been warrior-like, didn't change upon beating the cancer.  In May I was finished with the treatments.  But in August I learned that a person I love deeply committed suicide.   Along with a number of people who chose to attack me now that I was "healed" or safe to fight with, I went into a deep deep depression that was perhaps the worst I ever experienced. 

2015 is almost over.  I just came out of a year long depression.  People who supported me in my cancer treatment are still here, and there are a vast number of people who were called friends, who really were not.  I guess it is good to arrive through to the other end of the tunnel of naivety.  I thought that being generous and forgiving would make friends last forever.  But as I've arrived at this older and wiser state I've found that many people are self interested, self centered, and lack depth.  Don't think this is an indictment on humanity.  I received kind gifts of money, food, and support across the web, and this came from many sources, including people I had never met.  When friends of 30 years or more can't be bothered to check in on you, but strangers can, that tells you something real.

Now, I am NOT talking about family.  I was in a state, for example, in hospital, where I did not want and nor could I have visitors.  Mine would have showed up without a moment pause.  But, truly, the staph infection made me miserable and visitors were limited due to my being vulnerable to infection.

I was trapped by illness.  I was scourged by sorrow.  I was wounded by life.  I was limited by fear. But now, the gate is open, and I've escaped.    And no one is taking me back in.

Who am I now?  One month from 2016?  I don't altogether know.  I know who I won't work with, that list has one person on it.  I know I need to finish 4 big projects soon, despite distant deadlines, the co-creatives are all handing in their work.  I hate being the slacker.  My writing is improving, I promise.  Writing is my love, along with family, friends and my beloved cats, Sophia and the brilliant ninja cat Katya.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

When Darkness Breaks

In the middle of chaos steel and blood met.  The battle of Towton was said by some to be decisive because the king was changed by the result.  But the War of the Roses went on, a dozen more battles took place before a final accounting was to be final.

That is my life and depression.    I've found that no matter how good and happy I manage to achieve in my mood, my world finds some way to crush my spirit.  Every day good is balanced by frustration or sorrow.  But, the darkness has broken, my year long depression does seem to have broken.

Some of this is because I am able to understand that false attacks by people who didn't do their part in a partnership means the attacks are meaningless.  I know the truth, so whatever the other says is false and I can go on.  I can move on in life in the area of hope.  I have hope for the world in which I live because instead of seeing only death and misery, I can try to do my part, encourage others to help, and at least do something rather than be frozen in place and be paralyzed by the horrors of modernity's plunge into the sucking of a whirlpool into the abyss.  I can rise up from my place of hiding in the corner, because there are people who believe my work is good.  When you tend to get only hate mail, you do not have a perspective that is healthy.  I lost one friend I loved to suicide, and lost another who was toxic and I am better for his leaving.  I mourned long enough the first, and I am moving on from the other.

The future is beautiful.  It has not been written.  It has not been promised to anyone.  So it is there for me to claim.  My son is soon entering college.  I am soon going to announce some very big news of some creative projects that will introduce my work to many new audiences. My wife and son and I will be moving to another home sometime too.  Changes approach, and I approach these changes with a new heart.  I refuse to be crushed by the past.

Life isn't easy, it is a battle, and battles leave casualties.  But as long as I survive, I intend to be a victor in the battle.  I bear the banner of my king, and there is only my king.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Death is a penalty?

We hold onto life as if it is precious. I have no idea if it is or not.  But I do know that my family is precious to me. I know that my friends and cats are precious to me.  But the rest of the world, I cannot decide for them and I cannot judge or decide about them.   There is a proverb saying Where there is life there is hope.  Hope does NOT spring from life.  It does not.  It springs from truth measured with seeing the potential for achievement of the goal.

"For certain is death for the born
And certain is birth for the dead;
Therefore over the inevitable
Thou shouldst not grieve."

Bhagavad Gita

"equa lege Necessitas
Sortitur insignes et imos;
Omne capax movet urna nomen."


"Melius est bene mori, quam male vivere qui mortem metuit, amittit gaudia vitae; super omnia vincit veritas, vincit, qui occiditur, quia nulla ei nocet adversitas, si nulla ei dominatur iniquitas." 
Jan Hus

Strange—is it not?—that of the myriads who
Before us passed the door of Darkness through,
Not one returns to tell us of the road
Which to discover we must travel too.

Omar Khayyam

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Different sorts of the Final Act

For some people the end is believed to be the end of everything, and oblivion is entered.  There is nothing more, and nothing less.

For some people the end is a doorway to judgment and a trip either to heaven or to hell, based upon the beliefs and actions of the person being judged.  The judged might or might not get a chance to defend their life, depending upon the religious system invoked.

For some people the end is the ascension or descent to another level of the steps of existence.  If they have lived justly the soul ascends.  If they have not lived well, descent.

And lastly for me, I really don't know.  Yes I am a Christian, but, since I don't honestly understand why certain aspects of Christianity are how they are, for me there are points of my faith where I simply have to shrug my shoulders.

Things I shrug my shoulders over and wonder why:

How could a god who is just have allowed the Holocaust?

How could a god who is good allow thousands of people, many of them children to die from starvation, disease and violence every single day?

How could a god who is all powerful and good and just, make humans, who happen to be the apex predator but also relentlessly destructive and procreative?  Humans are over fishing, over logging, over mining, over polluting, over killing, over using the world, at a rate, that will kill the earth, or at least, the earth's ability to exist as a living planet.

I've been told that perhaps we live in the kingdom of heaven in our hearts here upon the earth.  Well, I cannot accept that.  I've seen too much, been injured too often, and seen my loved ones hurt, to ever seen this world as heaven.  Ever.

I am not writing this as yet another bullshit attempt to depress everyone.  I am just saying, that while I believe in an afterlife, I am uncertain what my afterlife will contain.  I just hope it isn't here.  This place is dirty, loud, angry, and it smells.

You rebel you

I am often told that I think too much.  When in my mind people do not think enough.  I am told I feel too much.  When in my mind people d...