Thursday, December 31, 2015

The article in which I get a little religiousy

At night when you call out alone, are satisfied with any single answer?  Because there are many who will respond.  I was told that I was an idiot for waiting until I was 24 before I had sex, on my wedding night, because of my Christian faith.  I waited, fitfully, I BURNED, and not perfectly.  I was no saint, not untempted.  I didn't carry my books in front of my zipper in high school and university because I enjoyed the odd look it caused in others,  it was to hide the 98 million boners a day.

If you turn to whoever answers your cries, and assume they are their to help you without being careful, you can be drawn in, even used, because of your weakness.  And it does not matter your views.  You can fall, like a house of poor construction, despite the highest of good intentions.  I was lucky in some respects, I had an enormous sex drive but, my mother raised me to believe that premarital sex was really worse than other sins.  I cannot say that I fully believed that, but every time I grew close to a person that I didn't believe I'd marry, my mother's voice would remind me, tsk tsk tsk, you are being naughty, a bad bad boy.

As I was married to a beautiful redhead I've never thought anything but that I was lucky.  She is my heart's desire.  I deeply and abidingly love her.  Whatever the problems come, being married is not easy, I am always in love with her, whatever the dialogue going on.  But there have been two times when we were separated by great distances for long periods of time, and despite being married, I had to be chaste.  I was.  I've never cheated, and that was not difficult.  But, the going without, in itself is very hard, and require firm resolve. 

The point here is, if you are broken by loneliness, you can be torn away from your deeply held beliefs.  You can lose yourself because of the sorrows of your heart. 

If you listen to the tiny voice of your conscience, you might remember your values, but it isn't fair, is it?  Those people who fuck anything that move get it all the time!  But life is more than that.

Listen to your soul's values and beliefs, not your fears.  Fear is a liar.  It will lie and tell you to accept less every single time.  Tell fear to go away.  Trust the things that you know are true.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Floating in the stream

People who read my work are usually aware of the fact that I have a single child that I parent along with my wife.  He is my glory.  I've never felt anything similar towards any other human.  Since I was adopted, he is the only human I've met who shares DNA with me.  I do not suggest anything about fate or destiny, only that I blessed beyond measure that God gave me this child.  My heart has been bruised and broken by life, and mercifully, my son renews my soul. 

“Growing up is losing some illusions, in order to acquire others.”― Virginia Woolf

I am dealing with the impermanence of life.  My son Jonathan is now one year short of eighteen.  I am not suggesting that life can't continue and be great, that we won't change and adjust.  The direct pain though comes in the flow of memories.  His 7 year old self running out to hug me when I picked him up at school from 2nd grade.  Driving up to Duluth after 3rd Grade was over on the first day school was over.  Eating at Denny's to celebrate the last day of school.  He was beautiful, loving, intelligent, kind, and joyful.  He was overwhelmed by happiness when we adopted two cats (as I was too).

My heart is swelled with pride over him.  He is a beautiful human, filled with genius, talent, love.  He is handsome, and witty.

“He was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, he overcompensated for by being too loud at the wrong times.”― Neil Gaiman

The truth of the matter is, he and I are very much alike.  But we have had very different events that have formed who we are. We are both INFJ on the MBTI personality exam.

“To experience commitment as the loss of options, a type of death, the death of childhood's limitless possibility, of the flattery of choice without duress-this will happen, mark me. Childhood's end.” 

David Foster Wallace

But now I enter the final year of his time at home and high school.  I am feeling crushed.  I am an adult with a life, but the upcoming change will change my life again.  And I resist change.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

So I am me, and some dislike that.

The Banner is Raised

“Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you're perfectly free.”     RUMI

In the world we live in, I am expected to accept certain things.  And I do not.  What that does is leaves me in pain, in disharmony with others, and outcast.  So I exist.  And to some people, the people who tell me I suck, I serve as a form of pest, or something that causes stress.  It isn't my fault, but to them, my very existence challenges their notions of fairness.

I am not a person of great wealth, nor am I a person of great ambition in that regard.  I write, and the works I complete are works of love, and to create a legacy for my son.  If they ever are noticed, I hope they are, he will reap the benefit.  It would never be me.  I am not a person of great popularity, nor do I cultivate such dreams.  To do so would stroke my ego, and as a Christian who pursues his faith nearly as a Buddhist or Daoist, attempting to kill my ego to know God more, I do not find that I am constructed of the proper materials to become popular, nor am I inclined to do so.

But this is not all to say woe is me.  I realize it can be perceived as such.  I just realize that I am a square peg in a world of round holes, and no matter how hard the hammer might smash, I don't fit.  God made me in a way to realize how different I am, and in the last 5 days I've been made aware of the many times my life was saved, when I could easily have died.  I've been told by four doctors in the last 12 years that I should have been dead four times.  Adding to that the virtual death sentence that was my inception and birth in 1963 of rape, the knowledge that in the present the biological mother information makes it very clear that I would have been aborted.  This is all to say, I have a purpose.  I am meant to exist.  Even if I am not certain yet why.

I know, I know, why not.  Why not exist?  Well that isn't the point.  I have a beautiful wife, God truly blessed me with her.  My son is a reminder of how very good God is.  And honestly, my two cats are gifts from God.  They show me love, and give affection every single day.  So, I am not shitting on the gifts of love I've received.  The gifts of life too, I do not despise or spat upon.

But, here I am.

I exist now quite soberly not trying to escape purpose.  I've lived trying to bear the banner of Christ.  I've tried to live as a knight of Christ in the modern world.  All I am, all I can ever be, is found in the fact that my word is my bond.  My sword is my mind, and I've educated it well.  My heart is moral.  I do not cheat or lie.  And I do forgive others.

I am a failure to some because I do not make money, or, rather, enough money.  But I believe that is as much an indictment of modern capitalist society as it is anything else.  I fail.  I rise.  I am here.  Now is the time for me to move forward, and I am.

Happy 2016.  Happy Festive holidays, whatever you celebrate.  God bless you.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

How I went from being afraid to share my views to being a loose cannon

There are a number of factors that went into my slowly going from guy in the corner observing the people at the party, to talking to people at the party.  The same goes for speaking in public.

I was afraid to share my views in the past because people are usually unkind when others express their views.  But I have to do it.  Regardless of fear, regardless of rejection I am outspoken regarding what I think.  It isn't because think others need to know what I think, it is because I do not want to be painted with the same brush as anyone else.  On some issues it is more important than others to separate myself.

I make no attempt at convincing others, but if I am called strident, cynical or indignant, it truly makes me angry.  I never try to destroy another person's motives, or character.  I simply look at what was said or done.  Usually, actions will speak volumes about the motives.

I get asked a number of questions for a number of reasons.  I write fiction, but some people assume that because I do, I have an interest in any of the subjects I've written about, and perhaps I do.  However, since I've written about such a wide variety of subjects from Jack the Ripper to Bigfoot to Samurai to Jesus, the readers of my work have a lot to ask about, and assume about.

But what was the trigger for the change?  I had no choice.  In order to graduate from college I had to take a course for my minor degree wherein I had to give two 10 minute speeches in the class.  While the class was fun, interesting and I learned a lot, what I truly learned was, no one in a class wants you to fail, they are all, just like you, wanting you to succeed because a 10 minute speech can truly break you as a person, as the speaker, and as a member of the audience 10 minutes of a stammering, slow, pointless, horrible speech can feel like 100 minutes.  So, the course showed me that the fear of judgment by others towards me was baloney.  And at some point the classroom, at 8:45 pm, in July, was so dark I couldn't read my notes, so I thought, wait, if I can't read my notes, they can't see my face.  So the nervous factor just disappeared.  I got a B+ in the class, and both speeches got A's.  Who knew?

And now, I have decided to write here, for the future, about my world, political, religious, and philosophical views. I might not be entirely popular, or even, at all popular.  But my work of writing is who I am, and my poems tell my story.  I've survived my loss of my mother, my good friend Cathy, and now, I do not want to go forward investigating my depression, but rather, expressing my views, and catching some hope.


Me at Twitter:

Sunday, December 6, 2015

My quest is ended, but not my life, my life is my quest now.

Click to enlarge

My quest began more than 4 decades ago.  I was called to go, and I did.

The way I chose was arduous and bloody.  I faced enemies, personal crisis, and betrayal.  I did not expect most of the obstacles, but I did persevere 

I am here.  I have arrived in the promised land.  What should I do?

I don't have the usual trappings of a tourist.
I don't have the baggage of a guest visiting family.

I was a pilgrim making a journey.  Along the way I chose to give everything to the quest.  I have nothing left.

Except, that is, for my soul.

Click to enlarge

"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life." Albert Camus

You rebel you

I am often told that I think too much.  When in my mind people do not think enough.  I am told I feel too much.  When in my mind people d...