Thursday, April 14, 2016

How do you endure when you have many sources of pain?

I am writing this in response to a long email someone sent offering me help for a number of issues.  The kind offer was well received in spirit, I appreciate the concern, but I am neither depressed nor aimed at dark things.  I am dealing with some new health issues, and they are very difficult to defeat.  So I try not to fall behind, although I do.

We all exist within a framework of existence that includes both self and hive.  I am an introvert, I have numerous brain disorders, such as PTSD, Chronic Depression, Defensive Sensory disorder, and due to that I find participation in the hive to be painful.  Others have expectations of me that are not accurate.  I have people who have expressed hatred of me, for these things, and for the fact that I have had to learn how to flourish outside of the hive construct.  It is something we are all "supposed" to do, conformity isn't always wrong, we survive in certain ways due to it, but I cannot without self destruction.

Carl Jung: "Just as man as a social being, cannot in the long run exist without a tie to the community, so the individual will never find the real justification for his existence, and his own spiritual and moral autonomy, anywhere except in an extramundane principle capable of relativizing the overpowering influence of external factors."

But I have learned to exist with the help of a few, rather than in conformity with the structure of the hive.  I self express and work creatively, and to some that is a challenge to the hive.  It might be that I am making a call for some point of view or belief, but unless I am saying that the hive should be dealt with, I probably am not.  There is little in my work that I'd call subversive, and less in my work of what I'd say is secret or subliminal messaging.

Someone from my life 30 years ago who reads a great deal of medical literature and believes that they are the equivalent of a doctor, (but they aren't), has said that I have low self esteem.  I am sure it is from his readings, and definitions, but it is false.  And worse, since he uses it to instruct others, he is causing harm.

Pablo Picasso: “What do you think an artist is? ...he is a political being, constantly aware of the heart breaking, passionate, or delightful things that happen in the world, shaping himself completely in their image. Painting is not done to decorate apartments. It is an instrument of war.”

I believe that my voice is valid, and should be heard.  I believe that while I am imperfect I am striving to improve.  Life is not easy, and I have failed at numerous times, but I am still moving forward.  My work continues, and I am striving forward.  Creativity is a portion of the high self esteem, and can rarely be tapped by those at the bottom of the well.

For proof go here -------> HERE

I consider myself an artist, though my art is in concept and words, not paintings or drawings.  Creativity happens because of the fire inside, and I release it due to the confidence I have in my voice.  There is no problem in my voice, or self esteem.

Antoine de Saint Exupéry: "It seems that perfection is attained not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing more to remove."

However, I have been wounded.  I went through a long depression following the loss of my mother, getting cancer, getting a staph infection that nearly killed me during treatment, and when cancer was beaten my friend Catherine killed herself.  During the depression people made judgments of me, and my character, and self esteem.  But they were not judging me, they were dealing with a wounded being who was trying to get out of the bottom of the pit.  Being wounded, though, is not the same as being someone who does not believe in myself, or my future.  Never let assholes become your spirit guides.  Never let hypercritical jerks tell you what reality should be when you know better.

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